As each day passes it is getting closer and I'm thrilled! But this time of year is also a bit hard on me. My mind is cloudy during these months. It drifts back to thoughts of loss and deep sorrow. It takes me to a place that I try to stay away from, but never do. October was once the month that Randy and I thought our adventure into parenthood would begin. Well, it did begin...but was quickly taken away. I don't think I was able to breath again until Zachary was born a little more than a year later. My soul still suffers.
And then there is November...the month of thanks. There was this one November that I couldn't even physically speak without a huge lump in my throat. A November where I cried every morning on the way to work...A November where I blamed myself...A November when all I could think of was revenge...A November when it hurt to eat....A November when my sweet friend was killed by her ex-husband...leaving 2 beautiful children without their mommy. That was a tough November. I think about Lori everyday of my life...no exaggeration...she seems to be all around me. She shows up in the music I listen to, the shows I watch, and I even occasionally see her hands...only she would understand that one!!
But, I do love the Fall. I love everything about it. I am learning to remember the great experiences that I had with those I've lost instead of the pain associated with loosing them. I've had a few major traumas in life and other bumps and bruises along the way. BUT...if I've learned one thing from reading blogs and learning about other people from all over this country, it's that everyone has months that are tougher than others. There are people out there suffering in ways that I could NEVER imagine. People who would be unable to continue on without their faith in God. This season I WILL count my blessing...I WILL give to others...I WILL be thankful for what I have...I WILL be thankful for each day, each color, each breath of crisp air...I WILL be positive.
I have no idea where any of this came from, and I'm sure if I reread this post it would make little sense, not 'flow' properly and probably sound ridiculous...and I would probably delete it! So, I guess I just won't reread it. Hope my grammar and spelling are ok ;)
This is what happens when you don't blog for awhile...BTW, my mom was giving my a hard time again about not posting! Sorry mom...I must have been huddled in a corner eating bowl after bowl of Fruit Loops, or maybe I had all the curtains closed so no one would see me watching those Jersey reality shows all day, or maybe I had nothing to say, OR maybe I was out shopping way too much while Nate was in school. You can decide which you think it is. ;)
2 comments:
Great post. I appreciated the look inside you. And how's the fruit loops? Did I guess right? :-) Hey, can I have your email so I can add you to my blog? Maybe you could send it in a message on facebook? I just made my blog private and wanted to add you.
As I sat here reading your blog, I suffered every moment, cried a lot of tears and remembered how long you have been in my life. How many tears we have shared, how much love has grown and how lucky I am each day that Randy chose you as his wife.
I have a beautiful son that blesses me with his love each day even when I don't see him and with that comes the unconditional extension of your love.
I am so blessed that you appreciate the flowers in Hobby Lobby, you still feel the pain of an incredible loss and have not swept it under the bed, and that you still remember your best friend's hands as I still remember the clear blue eyes of a friend that I loved and lost.
True friendship never dies. It only gets placed in a special part of your heart that you choose to open up and share on occasion.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
I love you,
MeMe
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